


A Professional Diagnosis and A Few Long Nights

by LocalRamblingHousePlant



Series: Plant's Star Trek DS9 Fiction [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender Dysphoria, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Medical Procedures, Other, Sci-Fi Medical Procedure, Sci-Fi Transition, Self-Insert, Slow Burn, Trans Male Character, Transitioning, deadname is mentioned, listen this is just me writing soft stuff about my favorite ds9 character, post-Transition, pre-transition
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:47:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24068335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LocalRamblingHousePlant/pseuds/LocalRamblingHousePlant
Summary: The chronicle of Dr. Julian Bashir and Medical Assisting Officer M. Kaegan, and their story as it unfolds.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Plant's Star Trek DS9 Fiction [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1736389
Kudos: 6





	1. First Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, this is probably not going to be entirely accurate with DS9's medical lingo/proceedings as a whole but that's fine! This is purely the self indulgence of a plus size trans man who doesn't see enough of plus size trans men in fiction, or transition itself in fiction SO I'm writing it myself. This is also purely self indulgent because I'm hopelessly in love with Julian Bashir and that's a fact. It's gonna be one hell of a ride!   
> PLEASE NOTE: This work contains some triggering content about internalized transphobia, some emotional distress, and a few other trans topics like dysphoria and deadnames. If this bothers you, please don't read this fic.

Julian has been sad to see Bailey Heins retire, but he couldn’t blame the woman for filing it in the first place. She’d seen much as his Medical Assisting Officer, and Starfleet had ruled that due to her new injuries from the last run in they’d had with a Dominion ship, both physical and psychological, she’d more than earned her trip home, for good. The crew had a party for Bailey in Quark’s, and they all wished her farewell, recounting various times she’d managed to get them out of one medical scrape or another. It was a tearful parting, but she was glad to be going back home to Earth. As she left the station, the chief medical officer couldn’t help but wonder when he would get to meet his new coworker, and what they might be like. 

It took Starfleet a week to find someone as talented as Heins, but soon enough, Julian got the briefing. He would be working with a woman named Mariana Kaegan, a capable medical officer with an impressive and competent work record. The only thing that worried him was the reports on how she worked with others. Some comments labeled her ‘a downer’, and others simply said, ‘doesn’t play well with others, must work alone.’ He frowned as he reviewed the reports, wondering why they hadn’t kept her in her previous position, as a solitary nurse in a Vulcan colony. Julian supposed Starfleet had bigger plans and saw her potential, but he hoped her supposed abrasive personality wouldn’t interfere with her work ethic. 

He mused over it as he sipped on a drink at Quark’s a few nights later, the day before Kaegan was to arrive. Miles sat beside him, as usual, trying to help him feel more at ease. After all, Julian and Heins had worked together for years.   
“Don’t worry about it, Julian. I’m sure the reports are overexaggerating, they always do. MY reports said I was stubborn and hard to get along with.” He paused, waiting for Julian to argue against it… and when Julian, too lost in thought, didn’t reply, his friend sighs. “I’m sure that it will work out just fine. You always seem to make friends with everybody!” 

“I know it will be fine, that’s just the problem. I like to know my medical staff well, work with them as friends as well as equal colleagues. Just ‘fine’ as an acquaintance can be a nightmare of awkward tension if you aren’t careful.” The doctor sighs and takes another swig of his beverage, only to nearly spit it back out when he glances at the door and does a double take. Miles follows his gaze, and then sighs, patting his shoulder as he stands to leave. “Have fun!” He mentions sarcasti

Mariana Kaegan was at the door, scanning the room for him. Forward, he’d give her that. A woman of average height, a stocky and square build, auburn hair kept short and well managed, and a surprisingly soft face, offset by stern and serious dark chestnut eyes. Her gaze could have rivaled Major Kira’s, and it scared him a little bit.

He gathers himself, puts on a smile, and strides forward to meet her with a friendly tone. “You’re Officer Kaegan, are you not? I’m surprised to see you here! You weren’t supposed to arrive until tomorrow!” 

His attempt at jovial first greetings were met with a serious and distant look from her. “It’s an honor to meet you, Dr. Bashir. There was a change in plans, and I’ve been able to arrive at the station early. I’ve already been to my quarters, and wanted to introduce myself.” She holds out a hand, and Bashir takes it to find a firm and almost too vigorous handshake, surprised and struggling just to keep balance. He nods, and regains his smile. 

“Well, welcome to Deep Space 9! Have you taken a tour of the station yet? Perhaps I could-” But she cuts him off. 

“I’m afraid I can’t Doctor. I take the early morning shift first thing with you, so I’ll be turning in soon. I can roam the station after my shift, but thank you for the offer. I’ll be seeing you tomorrow.” She nods, turns on her heel, and leaves. 

Julian stares in disbelief, blinking as he watches her go, almost dazed by how QUICKLY the interaction had gone. Quark leans over the counter, smirking with satisfaction. “Congratulations, doctor! Your new coworker has as much personality as a rock! Can’t wait to see how you two get along swimmingly.” The emphasis put on that last word made Julian cringe. 

This was going to be a very interesting work partnership, indeed. 

\- - -

The first few weeks were… at best, awkward. At worst, an absolute social nightmare. Kaegan seemed to match Odo’s and Kira’s serious demeanors, with less of a humorous side. Keeping him- and anyone else, for that matter- at arm’s length at all times, so she could work, and he could work, and nothing else would happen. It was simply go to work, do work, go home. She didn’t even seem to have any hobbies. She never went to Quark’s, unless invited, never used the holosuites, she never attended any religious meetings. They developed a work rhythm, but it crumbled very quickly when Julian’s need to be liked finally reared its head. 

“... Kaegan, may I ask you a personal question?” He turns to the officer, as they both finish their reports for the night. He gets a nod in response, and Julian turns. “... You seem to be purposefully keeping everyone around you from getting any closer than mere acquaintances, and I’m wondering why.”

At this, she stops. “.... I never really thought about it that way,” Mariana admits, looking up. “It’s just better for everyone if I maintain an impersonal work rela-” 

“That’s not what I asked, now is it?” He cuts her off, sitting down. “I want to know why you’ve purposefully avoided making friends. Interpersonal relationships are a key part of health, both mental and physical. So…. why?” He leans forward, and waits for the answer. 

She looks visibly… uncomfortable, but answers anyways. “... If you MUST know, it is because in the past, I have had trouble forming such relationships in the first place. I’m not… comfortable with myself, and that makes it hard to get people to like me.” She shrugs. “It’s literally easier for me to keep to myself than make friends.” Her tone is nonchalant, but he can tell from the body language. She’s lonely and depressed, terribly so.

“... Then let’s have dinner, at Quark’s. Nothing fancy, just casual and easy going.” He sits back up with a smile. “You don’t have to say yes, but surely eating alone in your quarters gets depressing, doesn’t it? I can invite some of my friends, I’m sure we can figure something out.” He’s offering Kaegan a way out of social isolation. 

And she sighs, and takes it begrudgingly. “... fine. Just set a time and I’ll meet you and your friends at Quark’s tomorrow night. And… please, not too many people.” He nods, grinning with triumph. His mind was made up. He would be her friend, unless she explicitly told him to go throw himself out the nearest airlock. 

He could only hope dinner goes well.


	2. Dinner at Quark's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian tries to get Kaegan to relax and make friends, with the help of Jadzia and Miles, and Quark watches on in amusement.

When Julian arrived at Quark’s bar with Jadzia and Miles the next night at 19:00 hours, he didn’t doubt that Kaegan had probably been waiting there at least 15 minutes ahead of them. During the early morning shift, it seemed that she always arrived earlier than expected, but always seemed nervous that she would be late nonetheless. And there she was, bouncing her leg as she leaned against the table. Miles and Jadzia follow behind him. 

“She looks nervous, Julian. Are you sure this is a good idea?” Jadzia asks, looking a bit worried. He nods, looking behind him to his friends. “I do. She’s constantly been alone other than working hours since she got here, and that was over 5 weeks ago. The isolation probably isn’t good for her psychological state, I might as well TRY to befriend her instead of waiting for it to happen.”

Soon enough, they’re all eating together. Miles tries first to strike up a conversation, mentioning how Keiko is doing with both kids now in school for the first time, but Kaegan merely nods and listens. The attempt ends poorly, with Miles floundering to create more conversation.

Julian tries next, asking about how the last procedure went without him there. The officer finally answers, but it’s very similar to their work jargon. Technical terms and medical details about the surgery, almost as if she’s reporting. All in all, it’s not the best way to talk while they’re all trying to eat, and Kaegan stops talking after she notices Miles starting to look a bit nauseous.

Jadzia smiles. Her communication style was very similar to Worf’s so she tries next. 

“So, Mari- may I call you Mari?- I haven’t seen you around before! Where were you stationed before this?” She engages the other, hoping to get some form of answer that could spurn conversation into being. 

At this, she thinks for a moment. “... I was stationed in a Vulcan colony, as one of their medical officers. I worked alone there, and I did my best to keep the colony members healthy.” Her shoulders relax just a bit talking about her old home, and Jadzia gives her a warm smile. 

“It must have been tough to leave a job you seemed to like a lot. Did you have any friends back there you’d like to visit? I’m sure we could arrange a transport if you’re homesick-”

“No. I… I didn’t have any friends.” She tenses up again, looking down at her food. The trill looks surprised. 

“...w...Well, there must be something you miss about the colony? Some kind of food, or an activity? Maybe a place?” Trying to drum up some sort of conversation that was anything but negatives. 

“.... There is one thing I missed.” She mentions, looking back up. “Lots of people hate the heat, but… I kind of miss those nights in the desert, you know? Especially observing the sandfire storms from afar. We never got close, and took shelter if one brushed too far over our borders, but…” Her voice gets less tense, and in her eyes there’s a look of nostalgia. 

“Some nights… I would sit at the mouth of the cave and watch. The sand and the lightning whipping together like some vicious god… It was fascinating. Deadly, yes. But… beautiful.” She smirks a bit. “Some of the younger kids asked me to explain it once, and I told them how it worked, scientifically, and they would look at me as if I was some sort of wizard making it happen.” She chuckled a little bit, shaking her head. 

Julian stared, so caught up in her description, the emotions that roamed across her face as she relived the moment. Something about the way Mari recounted the storms made him think to himself that he might like to see one someday, if only from afar or in a holosuite. And the way those bronze eyes shone when she talked about the colony inhabitants… there was more there. More than the officer was willing to let on.

And then the brief window into who Kaegan was closed, and she looked embarrassed. “I… I’m sorry, I rambled.” 

Julian interjects, before she can apologize more. “No, that’s fine! That was a beautiful description, I never thought about the storms that way.” He smiles, and Jadzia nods. “You have an interest in meteorology, then?” She adds.

“I… sort of. Not really, it’s… just a hobby.” Trying to close the gap she’d just opened, Kaegan becomes distant again. “I just think it’s interesting, I guess.” The conversation was dying as quickly as it had sparked.

Jadzia nudges her friend, and Julian presses a little more, hoping to get something else, anything else. Now he was curious. “It is fascinating! The forces of nature are very unpredictable, but I think that’s what makes those phenomenons so extraordinary in the first place.” 

“... Yes, I agree. Nature has its own rules, even out here in the vacuum of space.” She only gives a little bit back, but… it’s more than nothing. 

And then she stands, having finished her meal. “Well… I need to get back to my quarters. But thank you for dinner.” Before anyone can argue, Mari is walking out. The doctor calls after her. 

“Mari?” 

She stops, turning to look at him over her shoulder. 

“.... See you tomorrow?” He gives a hopeful smile.   
At this, she gives a polite nod, before continuing out and on her way to her quarters. 

Jadzia beams. “Nice work, Julian! Now you two have something to talk about while you work,” She chuckles. Miles sighs, looking tired. “I’m not sure what’s worse, a coworker who doesn’t talk much, or one who will literally only talk about the weather.” He gives a glance over to Julian, who is currently staring in the direction she left in. 

“.... Ohhh no. I know that look.” 

Bashir looks back at his friend, brow furrowed. “Sorry, what? What look?” 

Miles scoffs. “That look when you start to get curious. It never ends well when you get that look.” Julian scoffs, rolling his eyes. 

“I do not have a LOOK.”

“You sure do. I’ve seen it a million times right before you get yourself into trouble.”

“I don't- Jadzia, do I have a look?”

The trill only smiles knowingly and quirks an eyebrow, before getting up and heading over to a Tongo game without a word. 

Miles laughs, standing as well. “See? Jadzia knows.” He checks the time, and looks surprised. “Keiko’s expecting me home in three minutes, I forgot. I promised her I would help put the kids to bed. I’ll see you later, Julian!” 

And then there was one. Bashir sighs, looking down at his half finished food and his empty glass. Quark swoops in and quickly remedies that problem, pouring him another cup full. Of course, he just has to give his input.

“You know, doctor, it’s never too late to file for a transfer of staff,” He remarks, topping off the beverage before leaning on the table. “It seems pretty clear to me that she’s not gonna let you get any sort of foot in the door, friendship or otherwise.” 

“I don’t know… There’s something else going on. Something she’s not told us.” 

“If you ask me, talking about a little sandfire storm is barely any information to go off of. It’s not something she’s withholding, it’s EVERYTHING. Take my advice. Get a transfer.”

“That’s not what I meant, Quark… I’ve been observing her ever since we started working together. Her stress levels are consistently higher than anyone else’s I’ve seen in a casual or work environment. She seems to do her work flawlessly, and yet she’s always looking stressed, tired, and closed off. And she isolates herself constantly. When I said there’s something she’s not told us…” Julian looks worried. 

“I meant medically.”

Quark sighs. “Whatever you say. You’re the expert. But if you ask me, she’s just got a case of uptight and too serious. Maybe if she used a holosuite ONCE in a while, she’d feel better.” He chuckles, only to stop when he sees Julian’s face. 

“... That might just be what she needs. Thank you, Quark!” With that, he pays his tab in a hurry, and leaves. 

The ferengi seems a bit surprised, but then smirks. “Miles was right. He DOES have a look.”


	3. Impressions After Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian and Kaegan bond over impressions of their fellow crew members, and Julian finally learns more about his mysterious coworker.

It was at least 1:00 AM, and both Kaegan and Bashir were working late shift, filing paperwork and reports. There were MOUNTAINS of papers and documents to be filled out, signed, and submitted before the morning. That was at 9:00 PM, and hours later they were only down to half of it. 

Bashir sighs, leaning against his desk. “At this rate, we’ll be done next CENTURY,” He exaggerates, tired and not in the mood to try and make things seem any more entertaining than they already were. Kaegan, however, actually chuckled at this. 

“Where’s that usual ‘can-do’ attitude? Did you accidentally file it with the rest of the paperwork?” She poked a bit of fun at him, and he brightened at this. Usually she was uptight, unable to laugh at the slightest joke. But now, here she was, making a sarcastic comment. For the first time in seven weeks of knowing the officer, the doctor finally felt he was making at least a LITTLE bit of progress. 

“It went out the airlock at midnight, didn’t you see? Right out into the vacuum of space, lost forever…” He grins as he played up his supposed woe with a flourish of his hand. As his coworker finished up another sheet of reports, she shakes her head and looks up. 

“I can almost hear Quark poking fun at us for not getting it in on time.” The officer bends down a bit in her chair and puts on a dour expression similar to the bartender’s, crossing her arms and doing a surprisingly good impression of Quark’s voice. “‘What were you two doing all night, fooling around in there? I’m surprised you didn’t get it done, Kaegan, you’re a stickler for time constraints and stress.’”

Julian snickers, smirking. “You… you do impressions? You’ve nailed Quark’s personality perfectly!” 

Mari shrugs, starting to retreat back to the walls she hid behind. “I… I do them sometimes, it’s just a bad habit. I’m not great at them.” She tries to go back to paperwork, but Julian eggs the situation on further. 

“No, really! Come on, you must do some other ones, surely?” It was late, and Julian was in no mood to be professional after a full day of work AND afterhours records. “There must be someone else!” 

She sighs and relents, if only to humor him. “Alright… how about…” She thinks, before stiffening her back and making a stern expression, arms loosely crossed. “‘I suggest you file those reports in on time, Mr. Bashir. Wouldn’t want any of the inmates you’re treating to get away while you sign papers, hm?’” 

Bashir laughs, leaning back in his chair. “Oh, that is brilliant! I didn’t know you were good at these!” He sits up and thinks for a moment. “Hmmm… I can do an impression or two. Let me see...” 

He gets a stern look and a harsh gaze on his face standing stalwart and intimidating with an obvious air of authority. He imitates Major Kira, quite well. 

“‘I’m Major Kira, and I need you to do mountains of paperwork you don’t have time for! Why? Who knows, I won’t tell you until after it’s all done! Forget all the other patients you have, tend to these papers or else!’” There was a bit more sass in his impression, but Mari laughs. She actually laughs… and it’s a hearty, deep, breathless laugh, as if it had been so long since the officer had laughed that hard. 

And then, after the brief moment of laughter, she suddenly shuts it down, face falling as she turns back to her work. Julian had seen Mari do this several times. Almost letting down her guard and bonding with others… and then quickly closing it off. His smile fades as he sees it happen yet again. He slowly sits down, and keeps his eyes on her. 

“... Why do you do that?” He asks, softly so that she won’t assume it’s accusatory. She looks up, stern as ever again. 

“... Do what?” 

“That, that moment where you finally start to get along with people, being friends, and then you just… close back up? Why is that?” 

Mari looks over, looking him up and down for a second. He looked… genuinely worried. She sighs. 

“I… It’s going to sound strange.” She leans back in her chair a bit, looking at the ground. 

He leans forward, and smiles a bit, that kind bedside manner coming through. “I’ve seen people through many stages of life. I’ve heard wild stories about war and love and phenomena that shouldn’t be possible… I think I can handle ‘strange.’” 

She chuckles a bit, tiredly. “... Fine. I... “ Mari’s hands fidget with each other. “... I loathe the sound of my own voice. A lot. So I don’t talk much.” 

Julian blinks. That’s really all…? He’s surprised nonetheless, but he nods. “I see… And this issue keeps you from following in the conversation, and soon people think you’re distant…” 

“... And you start to get a reputation.” She smiles a bit, sadly. “It didn’t need me to talk as much if no one liked me. So… I went along with it, I guess.” He can see it now, shoulders tensing up the longer she had to talk. Her hands fidgeting more and arms crossing over her chest as if to protect herself from… something. Judgement, maybe? 

“And you… stated earlier that you aren’t comfortable with yourself, but… In what way? What makes you so uncomfortable that you don’t want others knowing?” He knows he’s getting into territory he probably shouldn’t, and he knows he’s made a mistake when her demeanor goes cold. 

“I don’t like who I am, is that a simple enough answer for you, doctor?” Her words are bitter now, and she starts back up on the paperwork. 

He looks saddened. They were really getting somewhere. “I’m sorry if I overstepped any boundaries or privacy, Kaegan, I didn’t mean anything by it.” She looks up, and her gaze softens just a bit when she sees how apologetic he is. No fake sympathies. 

“It’s fine. It’s late.” She answers quickly. 

“I just want you to know you aren’t alone. If you ever want to talk, or… even write, I’m sure someone on the ship would be happy to help.” It’s obvious by the context that he means himself, and he hopes that she picks up on it.

Kaegan stops writing signatures and diagnoses when she hears that. 

“... Write? What, like a penpal?” A raised eyebrow and a skeptical look graces her features. But Julian nods. 

“Writing can be easier than talking sometimes. I know it helped me out when I was a medical student, to write to my friends back at home. Talking on the phone or in person, you usually default to the usual small talk but writing can bypass all of that sometimes. Would that be helpful…?” 

Her skeptical air drops, almost to a sense of relief. “... Yeah, that… would help a lot.”

Julian smiles, and puts something in her datapad. 

“What’s that?”

“Well, you’ll need someone to talk to, won’t you? And it’ll help us keep communication lines open for you offduty. It seems like you need it.” He nods, leaving his contact within reach of her. “Speaking of which, I believe it is time for you to clock out.” 

She blinks, and looks at the time. It is, he’s right. “... Are you gonna be okay with all the paperwork?” 

He nods. “Of course. I can finish this all soon, and if not now, in the morning.” The doctor gives her a reassuring smile and nods. “Good work today. See you tomorrow…?” 

The officer nods in response, as usual, and gathers her things before clocking out. On her way back to her quarters, she just can’t stop thinking about what he said. Writing someone might actually help with the horrid feeling she always got when she spoke and heard her own voice. And… it would actually help with the crippling loneliness she feels. The ship’s counsellor had suggested that she branch out and take a leap.

In a way, she supposed she had found her jumping point.


End file.
